Worries

           It’s now my final week in Bosnia, and so far it feels a little anticlimactic.  I suppose I didn’t expect anything specific, but I thought I would be very busy and very emotional.  So far, everything has felt so normal, maybe even a little bit boring.  Ross’s flight left yesterday afternoon, and since then, I’ve just been practicing, cleaning, packing, and watching some TV.  I like being able to follow my own schedule, without having to consider my roommate’s plans, but it’s very unsettling to have the huge apartment to myself.  It’s been so nice to have a great roommate and a big group of friends this year.  I guess I forgot how much I hate being alone, even for just one day.

            The calm had allowed me to reflect on my time here, and start making plans for what I want to do next year.  Of course, all sorts of worries keep creeping into my head: will this be my last week as a professional orchestral musician, will I make it in music, do I even want to make it in music, will I fit in when I get home, will I feel lonely?  The worst question, one that is hard to suppress, is whether I will remember what I’ve learned here.  I hope that I am more open-minded, friendly, and patient than I used to be, but I am not sure that I can avoid feeling more shy and anxious once I’m settled back into Chicago.  Without any certainties about the trajectory of my career, I feel very nervous, though I reassure myself that if I am patient and work hard, everything will be okay.

            It’s hard to accept the reality that after I leave, it will be impossible to stay closely connected to all of my friends here.  While I hope we will remain in touch (hooray for facebook) I know that over time, our paths will diverge.  It’s just a fact of life that people come and go, that some friendships fade, and some relationships end.  More than ever, I am grateful to have found Ross, and to have someone willing to commit all of his life to me, even through some big changes and hard times.

            So, tomorrow, the orchestra travels to Sibenik, a small city on the Croatian coast, to play a children’s opera as part of a festival there.  I’m hoping that I feel more upbeat and optimistic once I’m busy again.  Really, how can you not be happy at the seaside?