End of the Year Reflections

The stage of the Sarajevo National Theater is nicely decorated for the winter holidays.

            It’s weird: even though this week has felt incredibly long, I still can’t believe it’s already New Year’s Eve.  The days sometimes go quite slowly here, especially when I’m tired.  But, at the same time, it doesn’t seem like it was very long ago that it was late summer.  I had just decided to move here, and was wondering what it would be like to celebrate the New Year in Sarajevo.  I heard that Bosnians know how to throw excellent parties (very true) but was sad and worried to be apart from Ross.  I still have similar mixed feelings.  I am so excited to bring in the New Year with my friends from the philharmonic tonight.  We are having a concert, followed by a party, in the National Theater, so there will be good food and good company in a great (and convenient) location.  But it will be a little bittersweet to finish off the year that I got married without my husband by my side.

            I’ve spent so much of this week trying to catch up.  I was sleep deprived from my traveling that I’ve been going to bed very early every night.  Additionally, I wasn’t able to get my music for the New Year’s concert program until the morning of the first rehearsal, so I struggled to get everything up to performance standard by today.   We are playing a program that might sound light and easy (mostly Johann Strauss waltzes and such) but I have a ridiculous number of tricky licks to get under my fingers.  So, by the time I get home from rehearsal, eat, Skype Ross, adjust my reeds, and practice, it’s time to sleep.  I was hoping to have plenty of time to reflect on the end of 2011, and come up with some good New Year’s resolutions, but haven’t really started until just now.

            2011 was one of the most eventful years of my life.  In some ways, it really marks the beginning of my adult life. (I guess it took me a long time to grow up.)  After all, I got married, completed my formal schooling, and got my first full-time job.   Those are very adult things to do, right?  I guess so, but I’m not sure I’ll ever really feel like an adult.

I began the year knowing that it would be an important one, since Ross and I were already planning for our August wedding.  We celebrated New Year’s eve 2010 with our friend James in our apartment, drinking champagne, eating Hoppin’ John, playing games, and briefly going outside to appreciate the freakishly warm weather. (I remember it being about 50 degrees F at midnight!)

Starting around that time, I began to feel very anxious about what the future had in stow for me.  I had been a full-time student since I was practically a toddler.  When I finished my DM coursework in June, it meant that I had finally finished that part of my life.  I was very nervous about being able to find a job, especially in a field that is so competitive.  I was worried that I would never find a job playing or teaching the oboe, and all of my years of training and hard work would go to waste. 

On the other hand, I was also worried that I had chosen the wrong profession in the first place.  Maybe I should have decided to pursue a field where I could more directly help other people.  I know that others find joy in hearing the music I play, but maybe my time would be better spent teaching young children basic reading and math skills, or advocating for people who need help. (The other careers I’ve seriously considered are teaching and law.)  In many ways, being a classical musician made me feel selfish and lonely.

So, with all these worries on my mind, I developed a terrible case of insomnia, especially this summer.  The one thing that I felt completely happy and certain about was my upcoming marriage to Ross.  We’d been committed to each other for many years, and it was exciting to confirm this commitment in front of all of our family and friends.  Planning the wedding provided a pleasant distraction from my other worries.

As most of you know, right before my wedding, I received an email asking me to apply for a cultural exchange program with the Sarajevo Philharmonic.  I applied and was accepted to go.  Moving to Bosnia at the last minute seemed impulsive, but I felt like it was something I needed to do.  A job playing principal oboe with a full-time orchestra was a dream I’d had for many years, and frankly one that I thought was very unlikely to come true.  On top of that, meeting new people, learning a new language, and connecting to a new culture through music seemed like an important thing to do.  I no longer felt lonely or selfish about being a musician.  By forming a relationship with people who I otherwise would never encounter, I feel like am finally fulfilling the communicative mission of my profession.

            Of course, I really could not expect the type of people and experiences that I have encountered here.  I didn’t know how relaxed and open-minded the people would be.  Nor did I know how funny every day life is, especially when struggling with the language. 

Just now, I was discussing this blog with my friend Alisa, an administrator with the Sarajevo Philharmonic.  She was saying that she hopes that I can share my blog with the future generation of cultural exchange musicians. (It sounds like my program will continue next year.)  I said that I would be happy to share, but that being constantly surprised is half the fun of living here.  If I had known what to expect, I’m not sure I would have had as much fun as I am having.

I have started to think about my New Year’s resolution for 2012.  I keep saying that living in Bosnia has changed me: it has forced me to be more laid-back and accepting, and at the same time has challenged me to be more outgoing and assertive when I want to get something done.  However, I noticed that when I returned to the US over Christmas, I started going back to being easily flustered and cranky.  I also began feeling more introverted.  At our wedding reception, I was a bit guilty of avoiding the people I didn’t know as well.

            So, in 2012, I resolve to let my impulsive decision to move to Sarajevo at the last minute be one of the best decisions of my life.  This means letting Bosnia “change me”.  It means that once I return to the US in July, I will remember to appreciate the wonderful life that I have there.  It means that when something doesn’t go as planned, I need to step back and ask myself whether it is important.  And finally, it means that if I want to change something, rather than just over-analyzing and trying to plan everything by myself, I need to take action and reach out to others.

            Happy New Year Everyone! Sretna Nova Godina Svima!