Waking Up

I woke up this morning, my first morning back in Evanston, and it felt like the last ten months were one very long dream.  I’ve never gone away for so long and then come back to the exact place I left, and it’s a little bit disorienting.  I have all of these things that I completely forgot about: that are familiar but unexpected. It’s kind of exciting, like getting a bunch of presents, to find all of my clothes, books, music, etc that I left behind.  I forgot how big everything is in the US, how much we have, how clean and organized.  Ross and I went to the grocery store today, and I felt like I had shrunk!  Now I remember why I used to buy two tomatoes instead of four, one lemon instead of three: they are literally twice the size.

It’s funny how we form small habits, and it’s hard to change them.  This morning, I automatically reached to the left for my contact solution even though here I keep it to the right.  When I sat down to breakfast, I had a hard landing because I expected the level of the chair to be a little lower.  When I grabbed my purse, I felt around, concerned that I was missing my coin purse with the tram pass before remembering that I don’t need it here.  And when I went to pay at the grocery store, I had “dobar dan” and “hvala” at the tip of my tongue before stopping myself to say “hello” and “thank you”.

Maybe I also feel disoriented because my sleeping habits have been so disturbed.  I went 48 hours without falling asleep for more than a couple of minutes…a record for me, I think.  I can’t really sleep when traveling, and could barely sleep all of last week, since I was filled with nervousness about leaving.  I had so much that I wanted to do.  Then a friend pointed out that if I don’t cross everything off of my bucket list, I will be more motivated to come back and visit.  So I intentionally left a few things to do in Sarajevo and am hoping I can go back for a visit within the next year or so.

When I agreed to move to Sarajevo for 10 months and play with the orchestra, I expected that it would be hard to leave Ross and be in an unfamiliar place.  I was right: it was hard.  But I didn’t expect how hard it would be at the end, to go home again.  I knew that I would probably make some friends, and would be sorry to say goodbye.  But I didn’t know that I would form such strong bonds in such a short time, that I would be able to feel like a part of a family in only a few short months. Leaving my friends was very sad.  I felt silly about how much I cried.  I hope that I will stay close to them, even from such a great distance, even if it can’t be quite the same as being just upstairs/down the street/across town.

There are a lot of problems in Sarajevo: political stalemate, corruption, animosity between ethnic groups, poverty, lack of public services, litter, stray animals, unreliable public transportation, pollution…  There are a lot of people who could easily find a way to leave the city, and go somewhere cleaner, healthier, and safer.  But now I think I understand why so many Sarajevans stay in their city and maybe even why they stuck it out during and directly after the war.  It is their home, and is completely unique and very beautiful.  The people are unbelievably friendly, and extremely laid back.  It’s impossible to be unhappy around others who are so relaxed and so welcoming.  I miss it already.